When My Heart is Anxious Within Me

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication,

 with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;

Philippians 4:6

What does a deep thinker do when her heart is anxious within her and all of her praying and meditating on Scripture has not helped?  She writes of course!  For deep thinkers writing can be very therapeutic.  I used to write in journals which were really just a small notebook.  However, one day a few year ago I decided to give blogging a try.  My attempts have been sporadic at best, that's for sure! Often I wonder why I even put my musings out in public.  After all it is a very vulnerable thing to do.  I fear that I might say something that is wrongly interpreted or worse yet, Biblically inaccurate. Still I write...

My journal & Bible

It's a funny thing that I write!  After all I am not your typical writer.  By that I mean, I don't love writing for the sake of writing.  I don't know the rules at all really.  I just write instinctively.   That means if my writing is in anyway technically correct, even in the slightest way, it is by the grace of God!! That last sentence is a great example!!  I was not sure if I should use commas, periods, etc...  I just wrote it the way the thoughts came out of my head.  Since I don't write because of all my abilities in writing or my knowledge of writing I know that there are some who may find it difficult to simply read what I write.  Whether it's because of my sentence structure or my using the wrong form of a word.  To me (who has no clue), it really is sad that we could dismiss what someone has to say simply because we cannot handle their usage of the English language! But I get it!  I guess for those of you who really love the English language and grammar bad usage is like finger nails on a chalkboard! It also means that this blog is probably not for you.  I do my best, but I am not a writer.

No, I am not a writer I am a thinker.  A deep thinker! And as I said above there is no better way for us deep thinkers to process our thoughts then to get it out on paper!!  Well, in this case blog.  So I blog to process my thoughts, but I also blog because usually I have something to say that I believe is of eternal value and that I pray will give hope to weary souls! I want them to know that hope is found only in Christ whom my soul loves and I want others to love and believe in Him as well.  My heart burns within me to share this message, the message of Christ, and so I write it out and you get to read it with all of it's technical errors etc... So while I am not some great writer, I am a writer who has a message to share albeit very imperfectly. 

All of the above is really me just avoiding telling you why I am writing today!  I guess the truth is I am not sure I want to face it!!  The reason I have flown to this blog to write today is to process through the anxiety that I am feeling as I wait for my mid-term test results in a Masters level class (Intro. to the New Testament) I am taking.  You see it is bothering me that this is so important to me.  Why am I looking to a class, one class, and one grade to validate who I am in Christ?  If I stand outside of the situation it is really quite silly!  Yet, here I am constantly checking my email to see if I passed!  When the whole class was waiting for test results I was content to wait, but now that I know I am one of the last to get the test results I am incredibly anxious.  It has been 5 days since I have herd that the others have gotten their tests back.  Granted, there was the weekend in those 5 days too!  Still it is getting harder and harder to wait.  This is really bothering me that it bothers me!  I mean it should not matter whether I fail or pass!!  I know that! After all, all that matters is if I did my best! Right?! My heart though says, no! The truth be told that is not enough for me...I am ashamed to admit it.  I fear that if I fail this class it would mean that my desire to accurately present to women the hope found in Christ alone would no longer be my ministry! After all, the whole reason I am taking the class is to more accurately know Him and His ways so that I can teach it more accurately!  If I can't succeed in the class then wouldn't logic follow that I would not succeed in what I feel is my one true calling in life?  My one true passion?!  That is why this silly little score is so important to me!  No one grades my leading of Bible Studies, and no one grades (or probably even reads this blog of mine),  but here is the first time I put myself out there to be graded on what I know about Jesus and my Abba Father God.  What if I fail!  Tears are falling from my eyes as I type!  This should not be so important to me, but it is!!  That is why I write today to stop avoiding what I am feeling, admit it, and go back to what I know to be true!

My identity is not in who I am as a wife, mother, or friend.  Neither is it found in a career, a degree, or in a grade!  No! It is firmly rooted in who I am in Christ!  That is true for you too!!  No grade can take that away!!  The only thing that matters, that should matter is Christ's approval and that is not based on me or what I do!  It's based on what He did for me!  Therefore today I am going to choose to surrender my desire for a good grade, and be content with whatever it is! 

It's good that one should wait for Him, to the soul who seeks him...

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, 

His mercies never come to an end;

They are new every morning; 

great is your faithfulness. 

'The Lord is my potion,' says my soul, 

therefore I will hope in Him."

Lamentations 3:22-24

This post feels too vulnerable...too hard to share...but somehow I feel that sharing it is what this prideful heart needs for healing....

His Appointment

I have tried many times to write this post, but for some reason it has been so hard...so very hard.  It's not that I have had writers block, because I haven't.  It's just that every time I sat down to write a whole new train of thought came rolling out. Putting it together made it to wordy and it just did not  flow well.  I have struggled for days. Actually more then days, because it has been over a week now.  I am sitting here in front of my computer screen praying, typing, and hoping that today will be the day that God pulls it all together in a powerful and succinct way! That I would share only what He wants me to! That you would see Him and not me! That I might become less in your eyes so that He might become more! For He is the one who is always there! In a moments notice, when you call out to Him He reaches out immediately to carry you through the storm! Sometimes to even calm the storm. He is oh, so good, His timing is absolutely perfect, He is in control, and our peace and hope is found in Him alone!

"Disappointment = His Appointment"

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,  for you know 

that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, 

that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

James 1:2

Pain has a way of taking over your life and making you feel as though your world has come to a complete halt.  At least that is the way it has always been for me.  This time is no different as I am unable to work and especially early on when I found that some of the most simplest tasks were very difficult and tiresome.  When the pain was at it's worst I had found myself in the place of an observer more then a participator. Now I am more at a place where I am at a very tolerable level of discomfort. It is more the loss of strength and motion that keeps me from fully returning to life as normal.  In it all I keep asking God to show me what He wants me to learn and what can I do with the limitations and yet time that I now have...

"Disappointment = His Appointment"

Pain wears on the one who is suffering, but even more it is tiresome to those who love them. Though they try to hide it, you can't help but see it in their faces.  It's not their fault really!  Who can blame them?! How can they empathize when they neither see the injury nor feel it themselves.  And after all their lives are continuing full speed ahead as they must while yours is at a stand still.

"Disappointment = His Appointment"

Pain is so subjective too! Isn't it?  I mean what one feels as excruciating another may hardly be bothered by it. What for some on the pain scale may be a "10" for others it may be a "4 or 5".  Do you know that Dr.'s when asking where you are at on the pain scale only care about one thing?  They just want to know for "you", with 10 being the worst "you" have ever felt and 0 the best, where are "you" at?  Then they treat your pain based on your answer. They don't ask you to look at the person in the next room who is far worse off then you and rate your pain compared to theirs.

Why is it that we never think twice about that for physical pain, but when we are hurting emotionally we always want to compare our hurt to another's?  Why is it that after crying on another's shoulder we might say something like, "I am so sorry, I know what I am going through is nothing compared to what you have gone through."   You know what?  It doesn't matter. All that matters is that it is painful for you! Let's stop comparing our pain with anothers!  If you're hurt, you're hurt! Reach out and don't be afraid to cry in public. Maybe even at church.  I cry at church all the time.  Sometimes because I am hurting, sometimes it's because I am overwhelmed by the love of God, and sometimes it's because I am hurting for another.  Dear one, if your hurting God cares and so do I!  Did you know that God cares so much that He collects your tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8). I mean who does that? Who, of the most compassionate people that you know would care enough to save your tears and keep them close by so that each one you shed and the pain you suffered would never be forgotten?! It's never forgotten by Him precious one!

I digress...See I told you I am struggling to keep this on track...but that was one train of thought I just couldn't get myself to cut out. I felt that it needs to be said for someone out there, maybe for you....

"Disappointment = His Appointment"

Pain causes our world to stop, it wears thin on those we love, it is subjective, and with it comes the flood of depression.  It inevitably rolls in as the reality hits that this is not going away as quick as one would like.  It engulfs you as your disappointment with yourself grows for not getting the things done that you used to be able to do.  And it threatens to overtake you if you give into all the negative thoughts that constantly bombard you!  The depression becomes harder to push off as tests are inconclusive. All you want are answers and somebody to fix you, but disappointment rolls in as you are forced to wait...

It was many years ago that I read in Kay Arthur's book As Silver Refined these words:

"Disappointment = His appointment...change the 'D' of disappointment to an 'H,' then add a space-and you'll eventually see that this really is His appointment."

It is the remembrance of those simple words in that sentence that has enabled me to trust God even in some of my darkest moments and in the midst of life's greatest disappointments.  Of course all the hours of digging into His Word as if it were the greatest treasure has helped too.  By Knowing His Word and Standing on the truth found in it as well as the remembrance of Kay Arthur's phrase I was often brought to a place where I could bend the knee and say, "Yes, Lord!"  "I will accept this disappointment as Your appointment and I will trust that in some way you will make it turn out for my good, even though I can't see that through all this pain right now."  It was never easy for me to get to that place! Nor has it never been without tears!  But whenever I bend the knee, peace rolls in over me like a warm, safe, soft blanket and all the edge - all the pain fades away.

This trial of pain, loss of motion, and strength in my left arm is getting long.  Answers have been slow to come by.  The MRI was inconclusive so they had to do an  EMG .  The EMG revealed that the nerves were not pinched in the neck, but more in the shoulder area (my most recent understanding).  Since it's not in the neck they have ordered more tests to be done. More x-rays and an MRI.

"Disappointment = His Appointment"

This week I was released to work, but with restrictions for my left arm.  As most of you know I have a very physically challenging job.  My company had been extremely patient with me, allowing me to have off far beyond the two week FMLA that my state guarantees, but with the restrictions I was given they had determined they could not keep me on.  I would be a liability to them.  They were generous in that they said it was no reflection on who I am as an employee, my direct boss complimented me on my work, and they said that when I am better I could reapply. That doesn't mean though that hot tears didn't fall...I had myself a good cry yesterday when I received the news.   Even as I type this tears are once again threatening to fall ...

Me having a rough day of it, but still holding onto hope! (cup says: "God loves you and so do I")

"Disappointment = His Appointment"

Disappointment after disappointment rolls in like a flood one after another and I can't help but ask "why Lord?" "I loved my job! Loved the people there!" "Why this physical issue, why not heal me?" As hot tears fall hard and fast and my heart aches bad because of the losses... but then comes the turning of the heart. The oh, I have never tasted anything sweeter then sweet surrender! The "I will accept this as Your appointment for my life." The "not my will Lord, but Yours" heart attitude.  The "my life is Yours and You can do whatever You want with it in order to fulfill Your greater plan and purpose." The "I will trust You in this, because Your ways are higher then my ways!"  I can say all that because I know that I am limited in my own understanding. I know that He who is good will only do what will be ultimately for my good, because God's Word tells me so and I have experienced it to be true!  Not because I have somehow deserved it, no!  I have never deserved His love, mercy, or grace! Only His wrath.  Yet, when I cried out to Him He poured out His love on me!

What about you?  Have you cried out to the Creator of the heavens and earth?  The One who knit you together in your mother's womb.  The One who already knows everything about you and yet is calling to you to turn from your sin and turn to Him.  If not, why not cry out to Him and surrender your life to the One who has all your days written down in His book?  He cares, He is there waiting for you, and His grace  is far greater then your sin! Jesus paid for it! He paid all your debt on the cross in full, once and for all! Will you accept His free gift of grace that He is offering you today?

For us who are His children let's hold fast to the truth that we can trust Him in both the good and hard times. Let's not compare our life with anothers, because He has a unique plan for each of us. We can and should trust Him with our lives! Maybe not without a few tears though! And not that He will make our lives easy, but that He will transform us and refine us through every hardship when we surrender in it. I don't know about you, but I long to hear the words "well done good and faithful servant".  

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,  for you know 

that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, 

that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

James 1:2

"Disappointment - His Appointment";

    Change one letter, then I see

that the thwarting of my purpose

    is God's better choice for me.

His appointment must be blessing

    though it may come in disguise;

for the end, from the beginning, 

     open to His vision lies.

"Disappointment-His Appointment,"

    Whose? The Lord who loves me best,

understands and knows me fully,

    who my faith and love would test.

For like loving earthly parents

    he rejoices when He knows

that His child accepts unquestioned

   all that from His wisdom flows.

"Disappointment - His appointment";

    no good things will He withhold.

From denial oft we gather

    treasure of His love untold.

Well he knows each broken purpose

    leads to a fuller, deeper trust,

and the end of all His dealings 

    proves our God is wise and just.  

"Disappointment - His appointment";

    Lord I take them as such,

like clay in the hands of the potter

   yielding wholly to His touch.

My life's plan is all His molding;

    not one single choice be mine.

Let me answer unrepining,

  "Father not my will, but Thine."

Author Unknown
(from the book As Silver Refined by Kay Arthur)

....What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise"

Blessings by Laura Story 

A Year in Review

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,

    And a time to die....

....A time to weep,

    And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn,

    And a time to dance;

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

Some of you may have already read my previous post about how long it has been since I have last written and why.  You may also know that my time has been freed up to write because of my inability to work right now due to a neck injury. If not, and you are interested you can read more about that here.

What I did not share with you last time was an adorable conversation I had with my youngest son when he saw my blog for the very first time that day.  He was totally amazed by my blog as only a nine year old boy who is still in the "I totally adore my mom" phase can be.  He was so enthusiastic about it that he said "mom you should write a book!"  Of course I could only laugh and hug him. Oh how innocent children can be and filled with such a sense of anything is possible.  If only we adults were still filled with such awe, wonder, and possibility as they can be.

Super cute picture of my little guy trying on some rec specs for when he plays his sports

This one is from one of our Mom & Son dates!

Isn't he just the cutest!  Well I think so, as all mom's should adore their children!  At least I have always thought all of my children whether by birth, marriage, or other circumstances are absolutely the most precious and loved beings ever!  Oh how great is a mother's love for her children!

This is my favorite picture of our children from Christmas 2014. You may not see all of their faces because they are laughing, but I just love how they love being together and it is never often enough anymore that we are all together.

Oh, and as much as I love and adore our children I all the more love and adore this handsome man:

Christmas 2014 at the Anderson's

I just don't know of a more caring and generous man who gives of himself as much as he does!  I am truly one blessed wife and mother!

But I digress, I guess I just couldn't help but brag on my family a little! Let's get back to why I was writing.  Now what was I going to tell you?  Oh yes! I was telling you of this conversation I was having with my son as I was staring at the screen of my computer that had my blog up on it.  He not only said all those nice compliments, he also told me I should write about my neck injury, and his sisters pregnancy etc... His enthusiasm was just bubbling over. How can one not smile and catch the enthusiasm?!  So for today I am going to honor this precious boys requests.

But before I do let me say that my intent in writing about the past year or so is not to gain sympathy nor am I wanting to come across as being a whiner or complainer.  After all life has been so good in many many ways for us, but like many others of you we have had our fair share of trials and losses.  I write to show that in all of it, the good and the hard God is good!  He provides for every real need and there is always an overflowing amount of grace in everything! That is if we have eyes to see and look for it and hearts that are open to embrace it!  Our life recently has been filled both with some of the most joyous moments and some of the most painful ones as well.

How do I even start to share...

A happy time for us in 2014 was when Jeff and I were able to finally take three of our six kids to Florida and Disney land.  It was something we longed to do for many years, but never could justify it. Finally we said, we have only three left in the house and for two of them it was their last year probably with us since they were seniors in High School.  So we used our tax return money and drove out to Florida.  What a joy it was to see the children's faces as they saw the ocean for the very first time.

We were all a little water logged at Disney Land from it raining most of the day, but it meant for less crowds 

and shorter lines for the rides.

The youngest photo bombing! Ha ha ha

The beach was definitely the highlight for the children and so that is where we spent most of our time!

View of the sunset from our room

I loved the water the most too! 

I am convinced that I would be most happiest if I could live in a little cottage on a beach for the rest of my life!  How I love and am energized by the warm sun and water! I even ran along the beach and it was my most special and favorite time of running ever.  It would be easy to think all is well in the world in such a beautiful place, but for us reality hit hard while we were there.  We found out that Emily's dad who had been battling cancer for a long time had an infection again and went back in the hospital. Emily is the one on the right in the picture above with the three kids in it.  It was so hard to tell her that her dad was in the hospital when we were in the middle of vacation!  But her step mom assured us that her dad was stable and fine.  We cried, we prayed, and we finished out our time in Florida making the long drive home.

Once home Emily spent every free moment in the hospital with her dad.  As well as her two older brothers, Marques & Tyler and the rest of the Koller family!

This picture cuts me to the core, makes my heart wrench in pain, and brings hot tears to my eyes every single time I see it!
This is our Emily while visiting her dad in the hospital

While my ex-husband Chris was in the hospital we had Dana's shower!  While Chris's wife Staci & his mom stayed by Chris's side and we silently hoped and prayed for healing for him with them, the rest of us celebrated Dana and her soon to be joining our families!

Chris's mom Shirly

Dana's mom Sherrye, Dana, and myself

Dana's oldest sister Jennifer, Dana, & her twin sister Dawn

Grandmas Leslie & Anderson, Myself and best friend Karina

The Koller family: Heather, Barb Housner, Emily, Christina, Shannon, Nikki, Samantha & little Maggs!

So in the midst of Chris being sick in the hospital we celebrated and held on tight to hope!  We hoped and prayed that he would once again rally and make it to be there for some of the most momentous moments of our children's lives.  But our Father in heaven had other plans for him and a few days later the cancer took over his body. It did not win though! Chris trusted Jesus's free gift of grace and forgiveness and was received into the arms of his savior.  He now lives healed and whole! He now is a part of the great cloud of witnesses and I like to think that he is one with them looking down at his loved ones encouraging them to press on in Christ!

My children know to much about sickness, cancer, hospital rooms, and longing for hope.  They have watched as their father faded away seeing him suffer, hallucinate, cry out in agony, and they were all there on April 7th, 2014 when he took his last breath and his soul left into the loving arms of Jesus who was waiting to take Him home.  Finally Chris was at peace with no more pain and no more suffering.  My children while knowing that in their hearts still hurt hard because they no loner had their father here with them.  He would not make it to Emily's High School graduation, or hear about Tyler's graduating with an associates degree in firefighting, or be there for Marques and Dana's wedding in June.  So the grieving was felt so much harder as they knew he fought so hard to make it to see those days.  And God carried them through, us through, grace was there in the midst of it, so they grieved, the Koller family grieved, I grieved in the dark hours alone for them, we all grieved as we realized that we will no longer have his presence with us here until we meet up again with him in heaven.  

And so they/we mourned and in the midst of the mourning there was celebrating to be had!  The question that was in the back of everyone's mind was just how do we do that?  How do we go on and celebrate in the midst of loss and pain.  The only answer to that, was that by the grace of God and with his empowering we simply choose to do so! To fight for it! 

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,

    And a time to die....

....A time to weep,

    And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn,

    And a time to dance;

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

For the Koller's and those who love them intimately know the truth in those verses above all to well. I must not forget to say that not only did the Koller's say goodbye to Chris in April, but his death was not the only one they were grieving.  They were still mourning the loss of his sister Mari who had passed away from lung cancer fairly recently at the end of the summer 2013.    For them rejoicing and mourning was a tangled messiness...

Shortly before Chris's death there were reasons to celebrate!  There was the birth of another Koller- sweet little Maggs to his niece Samantha and Dana's wedding shower. Then soon after Chris's death there were more celebrations. There were three graduations and a wedding.  Tears of joy intimately entwined with tears of sorrow, anger and loss.  

We went on as life does and must and we celebrated two High School graduations for two beautiful step sisters that were only six days apart in age. First was Sarah's at the end of May. She is the oldest who will never let Emily forget, ha ha ha.

Next graduation was Emily's, a daddies girl whose father would not be there, but we believe that he was up there in heaven feeling as proud as can be with a huge grin on his face! ...and again grace carried us through...while the tears fell in the dark hours, joy radiated on faces...

Sarah & Emily - sisters not by blood, but bonded by the heart!

Emily & Zach

Through the sorrow and loss everyone chose to rejoice as we celebrated the wedding of Marques and Dana.  The day was another one of hot messy tears of joy and sorrow all meshed and intermingled together and through it all was God's grace carrying us through!

Jeff & I, with Dana & Marques

Our children: Tyler, Nikki, Dana & Marques, Sarah, Emily, & Zach

Niece Heather (who has been like a daughter to us) & Chris's mom 

My eldest son Marques & his beautiful bride Dana

What a gorgeous day we had to celebrate their marriage!  The weather was perfect!  The wedding was beautiful and though Chris was in the back of all our minds and Marques and Dana honored him in their ceremony we all had a lot of fun.  We celebrated their union!  What a joy it is to me to have another daughter in the family to love and one whom I know has been so good to and for my son!

After all the celebrations my second born son Tyler quietly announced that he graduated with an associates in firefighting.  So after we all chided him for not sharing this big news with us sooner we all hugged and congratulated him.  Again we rejoice and yet the fresh loss of one is felt as we can't help but think of how proud he'd be, how proud he is of his son! And the grace rolls over us as the tears fall from our eyes...

God is so good! So gracious in the good and hard times!  Sometimes those times are intimately entwined as they have been for us!  Whether we know it or feel it, He does and can carry us through! He is the one who when we call out to Him comforts us in the dark hours and if we let Him takes the anger & the hurt from us. He is always there, He picks us up off the floor, and keeps us going! He enables us to rejoice when our hearts are breaking and He fills our dark hearts with hope!

But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who 

have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if 

we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with 

Him those who sleep in Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-15

 Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will

never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.

O death, where is your victory?

    O death, where is your sting?”

For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its 

power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death 

through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 15:54-57

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,

    And a time to die....

....A time to weep,

    And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn,

    And a time to dance;

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

To be continued....

STARTING AGAIN

I can hardly believe that it has been three years now since I have last written anything on here.  I never meant to take such a long break.  It just sort of happened.  One day passed by, then another, and another and before I knew it those three years had passed.  I just found that I left myself no room in my life to write. I had gone back to work part-time and had ministry and family responsibilities.  I felt I could not possibly add one more thing or I'd burn out.  That was not the only reason though...  

I have struggled with feelings of being inferior in my writing.  See for me English was, well let's just say I didn't understand it and felt lost while trying to learn it.  If ever my sentence structure and choice of words are right it is credit to, well, the many hours spent in the Bible and my love for reading.  As well as, and most importantly the work of the Holy Spirit in my life.  And this truth weighs on my heart heavy, because I have so very many bright friends whom I know they can not even continue to read something or listen (no matter how good the content) if the Grammar is bad. Sigh!

More scary to me then getting the technicalities of writing wrong would be getting my Theology wrong.  Or being misunderstood, misquoted, or ignorantly hurting someone.  Their is such responsibility with what one writes and says.  And I have unintentionally hurt others before and that grieves me to this very day.

Another struggle for me with whether or not to continue writing has been that I am an introvert by nature. That means I spend a lot of time in deep thought.   That can make for a great writer and sometimes it is a real blessing.  Such as the fact that meditating on God's Word comes naturally to me.  I love mulling it over and over and silently speaking to the Lord about it.  It is as natural as breathing to me. However as in all of our gifts their is a darker side.  The darker side of being a deep thinker for me is that I can think to much about myself or about what I have written.  I can spend way to much time thinking about how great I think what I said or wrote was, or beat myself up about how stupid it was. Or I can rejoice in how holy I think it sounded or I can agonize over whether I even made sense. I have even worried if I was relevant, or not, or if it even matters to anyone at all that I write!  What I am saying is that as I have written this blog I have gone back and forth from pride to self abasement and neither is good! The struggle is real people! Pray for me!

I am not sharing this for sympathy.  Nor am I trying to guilt anyone into saying how great my writing was and how they have missed it.  I am just being real.  Real about what's kept me from writing.  As well as being real about my desire to accurately share truths that I have learned from the Scriptures.  I have written in the past not because I was the most capable or spiritual, but because the Lord compelled me to!  And Lord willing if He wants me to continue He will make a way and I will continue to pour out my heart here! When I do, I simply pray that the Lord would take my weak words and use them for His purposes!  I know I am powerless to teach anyone anything, it is the work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts that teaches us and gives us understanding.

It seems He has already made a way for a short time anyways.  Somehow, I injured my neck and at it's worse it has caused excruciating nerve pain that radiates down the back of my shoulder blade into the back of my arm as well as bicep.  Since my current job is as a decorator at a furniture store and it involves moving heavy furniture etc... I am unable to work.  While I am being treated and hopefully on my way to recovery without surgery I have lots of down time!  I asked the Lord to help me to not waste this forced time of rest.  Either by teaching me what I need to learn or showing me what I can do. 

It was just recently that I started thinking about this blog.  Wondering if I could once again start writing.  I wondered if my mind would be clear enough though I am on some medications.  I wondered if my pain would keep me from it.  But today there has been grace! So dear sisters for today I once again have had the privilege of sharing my heart with you.  Not that it was anything profound!  But oh, how I have missed writing you all...no matter how small my audience has been over the years.  Every time I have written I have prayed for you and today is no different!  I have prayed that you might know, really know the depths of His great love and mercy for you!  That you would call on the name of Jesus and know that when you do the angels in heaven rejoice and so does He!  And dear sisters so do I!

Much Love in Him who took our place that we might be free from the penalty and grip of sin!  Grace, peace, and mercy in and through our Lord Jesus Christ!

Kim

"May you be more overwhelmed be the grace of God then the cares of this world." Anon

Because the cares are so very many aren't they dear ones! And they always threaten to overwhelm us!