From one "Stepmonster" to Another

I know it's been awhile since I've last posted.  I've had a busier week then normal and to be honest no real inspiration floating around in my head.  Until yesterday and yet there was no time to post then so I'm hoping I'll remember it all today....

A week ago I had gone to my local public library and was heading to check out my books when I passed a rack of books that were being highlighted.  A title on one of the books seemed to jump right out at me.  The name of the book was Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin Ph.D.  That title pulled me in like a powerful magnet and I was yanked from my intended destination to the book as if there was a force pulling me.  You see, I am a stepmother and I'm quite sensitive to the fact that so much of what is written in fiction is negative when referring to stepmothers.  In fact the same is true for what is produced in Hollywood.  I can think of only two movies that are positive in regards to stepmoms and one of which was a remake of the other .   Those movies are: Yours, Mine, and Ours (1968) with Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda and the newer version Yours, Mine & Ours (Widescreen Edition) (2005) with Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo.  Which by the way my husband and I really enjoyed both films.  Everybody remembers The Parent Trap (1998) with Lindsay Lohan, Natasha Richardson, and Dennis Quaid, right?  Some of you like myself might even remember the original movie The Parent Trap (1961) starring Hayley Mills and if your like me, you enjoyed when the step-mom to be was revealed to not be as nice as she was pretending to be and the relationship was ended.  Thereby making it so the twins parents could get back together.  It did make for a hilarious movie after all, and a happy ending.  And who could possibly ever forget Cinderella?  Every child knows the Cinderellla story well.  Everyone roots for her and everyone celebrates when she overcomes her circumstances and rightly so.  It is unfortunate that these movies and stories have portrayed a sometimes true picture of step-moms.  That children have had to suffer because of poor choices their parents have made in picking a spouse is truly unfortunate.  The children really do not have a say in who their parent marries and many fool themselves into thinking that the children will come around.  Many don't, that is an unfortunate fact.

As I was saying this books title drew me to it and as I picked it up I quickly determined that it was not at all what I thought it was going to be about.  It was not a fictitious book aimed at unhappy teenagers giving them more ammo to throw at their step-moms.  No on the contrary this was a book written by a stepmom and written for stepmoms.  The subtitle reveals a lot about the focus of the book: "A New Look at Why Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act, the Way We Do.  In the Authors own words "I wrote this book about women with stepchildren, for women with stepchildren, because being a women with stepchildren is not easy.  E. Mavis Hetherington, PhD psychologist and author of the landmark, three decade Virginia Longitudinal Study of 1,400 families that divorced and remarried, notes that whereas children frequently come to appreciate having a stepfather...the situation with stepmothers is more difficult and stepchild resentment is more intense...reporting with some surprise that so many of her subjects described their stepmothers as 'evil, malevolent, wicked, or monsters' and gave them nicknames like 'Dog Face' and 'The Dragon,' Hetherington concludes, stepfathers rarely encountered this level of vitriol." 

The Author goes on to explain the purpose of her book stating:  "This is not a book about how I learned my lesson or won my stepkids over or became a better person by marrying a man with children.  My reality like that of the women with stepchildren I interviewed, is not so nearly cut-and-dried.  This is not a book about how to change yourself or how to act in order to be a better stepmother.  I have learned that there is no recipe for success, no single 'right way.'  Rather, my goal has been to synthesize and distill some of the less readily available studies and insights from experts...I also have sought to suggest some alternative lenses through which to view stepmothers and stepmothering..."

I love her honesty and humility!!!  She is not pretending to have all of the answers and she is not promising to guaranty a happily ever after perfectly blended and harmonized step-family.  There are so many factors involved and you as the stepmom are only one part of the whole picture. How freeing is that dear stepmoms?!!!  We mom's carry the whole weight of how the family is functioning on our shoulders don't we?!  We have been told the mom determines the mood of the home etc...So who, do you suppose feels like a failure when it is not going as it ought to?  You got it mom!!!  Mom/Stepmom  is weighed down, discouraged, and often taking the blame or trying to free herself of the blame, guilt, and shame by pointing at everyone else and how they are making her miserable.  I would like to suggest neither is a healthy place to be.

The healthier place to be is having realistic expectations about your stepchildren, your children (if any), your spouse, yourself and what a healthy step family looks like.  Unrealistic expectations that I have of others and myself always rob me of my joy and I'm pretty sure they do for you as well.  When the expectations are unmet they also have a tendency to cause us to become angry and bitter.  Of course it's important to clarify that they are unmet because they are unrealistic, but then we don't always know that they are unrealistic until someone comes a long and frees us from them.   This book which I've only just begun has already done that for me.

Let me just add that this is not a Christian book written from a Christian perspective.  If you have a problem with that, then this book is definitely not for you.  I have already read things within the pages that I as a Christian must not agree with and neither should you.  You will not be reading about our hope in Christ and how He transforms hearts and minds here.  But what you will read is studies done on step families, real struggles real stepmoms have faced, and the fear every stepmom has of being seen as "wicked" in the eyes of their step kids.  But as the book points out this just may be inevitable since it's more rare to have a step child honestly love you or even like you.  And from conversations I've had with grown up stepchildren this may not happen until the child reaches adulthood.  Though that too is rare as my mind wanders back to a conversation I overheard one day at the YMCA...a 50 something woman was complaining about how horrible her stepmom was.  I also would like to mention that there are a lot good stepparenting books that have been written from a Christian perspective that have been helpful to both me and my husband and I will highlight some of them at the end of this review.

Maybe it all comes down to who do I need to affirm me as a person?  Is it my parents, my spouse, my children, my friends, my boss, etc... Or is it true that the only opinion that matters for the Christian is what does Christ think of me?  Wow, that's a loaded question...He who know the hearts of men, he who knows my every thought, my every deed...future, present, and past!  What does He think of me: that  I'm dust, was once dead (utterly helpless) in my sins and trespasses, without hope.  That I do the things I don't want to do and don't do the things I want to, I'm selfish and self centered, and often to self focused.  Actually others no matter how bad they think of me really don't think bad enough for they don't really know me and I wonder how much I actually know me:)  Since the only good that I do is the work of Christ in me and is not me at all!!!  Why should I be offended then when anyone thinks less of me.  I'm so glad that God sees me through the eyes of Christ, a precious daughter, righteous, washed and cleaned because of what He has done for me.  It is Jesus' opinion that matters above all others and His opinion just has to be enough.

One other thing to note, just in case some of you who are reading this are not in a stepfamily situation but are in an unhappy marraige.  You might at times be tempted to think that you would be better off with someone else.  Maybe you look at so and so's husband and think it would be great to have him as a husband and dad.  Let me add this, the grass is not usually greener on the other side.  Statistics are not that great for first marriages anymore but they are even worse for second especially when children are involved.   Listen to What Wednesday Martin says in her book about this: "My marraige was meant to be. It was also doomed to fail.  You see, I chose a man with children...the greatest predictor of divorce is the presence of children from previous marraige.  In fact divorce rates are 50 percent higher in remarriages with children than in those without."
















Let me just add that though there is a lot of good information in the blended families book I have recently learned that step-families don't blend.  It's more like oil and water.  That was another expectation that I had to learn to let go of and really wish someone had told me right from the beginning.