Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication,
with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;
Philippians 4:6
What does a deep thinker do when her heart is anxious within her and all of her praying and meditating on Scripture has not helped? She writes of course! For deep thinkers writing can be very therapeutic. I used to write in journals which were really just a small notebook. However, one day a few year ago I decided to give blogging a try. My attempts have been sporadic at best, that's for sure! Often I wonder why I even put my musings out in public. After all it is a very vulnerable thing to do. I fear that I might say something that is wrongly interpreted or worse yet, Biblically inaccurate. Still I write...
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| My journal & Bible |
It's a funny thing that I write! After all I am not your typical writer. By that I mean, I don't love writing for the sake of writing. I don't know the rules at all really. I just write instinctively. That means if my writing is in anyway technically correct, even in the slightest way, it is by the grace of God!! That last sentence is a great example!! I was not sure if I should use commas, periods, etc... I just wrote it the way the thoughts came out of my head. Since I don't write because of all my abilities in writing or my knowledge of writing I know that there are some who may find it difficult to simply read what I write. Whether it's because of my sentence structure or my using the wrong form of a word. To me (who has no clue), it really is sad that we could dismiss what someone has to say simply because we cannot handle their usage of the English language! But I get it! I guess for those of you who really love the English language and grammar bad usage is like finger nails on a chalkboard! It also means that this blog is probably not for you. I do my best, but I am not a writer.
No, I am not a writer I am a thinker. A deep thinker! And as I said above there is no better way for us deep thinkers to process our thoughts then to get it out on paper!! Well, in this case blog. So I blog to process my thoughts, but I also blog because usually I have something to say that I believe is of eternal value and that I pray will give hope to weary souls! I want them to know that hope is found only in Christ whom my soul loves and I want others to love and believe in Him as well. My heart burns within me to share this message, the message of Christ, and so I write it out and you get to read it with all of it's technical errors etc... So while I am not some great writer, I am a writer who has a message to share albeit very imperfectly.
All of the above is really me just avoiding telling you why I am writing today! I guess the truth is I am not sure I want to face it!! The reason I have flown to this blog to write today is to process through the anxiety that I am feeling as I wait for my mid-term test results in a Masters level class (Intro. to the New Testament) I am taking. You see it is bothering me that this is so important to me. Why am I looking to a class, one class, and one grade to validate who I am in Christ? If I stand outside of the situation it is really quite silly! Yet, here I am constantly checking my email to see if I passed! When the whole class was waiting for test results I was content to wait, but now that I know I am one of the last to get the test results I am incredibly anxious. It has been 5 days since I have herd that the others have gotten their tests back. Granted, there was the weekend in those 5 days too! Still it is getting harder and harder to wait. This is really bothering me that it bothers me! I mean it should not matter whether I fail or pass!! I know that! After all, all that matters is if I did my best! Right?! My heart though says, no! The truth be told that is not enough for me...I am ashamed to admit it. I fear that if I fail this class it would mean that my desire to accurately present to women the hope found in Christ alone would no longer be my ministry! After all, the whole reason I am taking the class is to more accurately know Him and His ways so that I can teach it more accurately! If I can't succeed in the class then wouldn't logic follow that I would not succeed in what I feel is my one true calling in life? My one true passion?! That is why this silly little score is so important to me! No one grades my leading of Bible Studies, and no one grades (or probably even reads this blog of mine), but here is the first time I put myself out there to be graded on what I know about Jesus and my Abba Father God. What if I fail! Tears are falling from my eyes as I type! This should not be so important to me, but it is!! That is why I write today to stop avoiding what I am feeling, admit it, and go back to what I know to be true!
My identity is not in who I am as a wife, mother, or friend. Neither is it found in a career, a degree, or in a grade! No! It is firmly rooted in who I am in Christ! That is true for you too!! No grade can take that away!! The only thing that matters, that should matter is Christ's approval and that is not based on me or what I do! It's based on what He did for me! Therefore today I am going to choose to surrender my desire for a good grade, and be content with whatever it is!
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| It's good that one should wait for Him, to the soul who seeks him... |
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,
His mercies never come to an end;
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
'The Lord is my potion,' says my soul,
therefore I will hope in Him."
Lamentations 3:22-24
This post feels too vulnerable...too hard to share...but somehow I feel that sharing it is what this prideful heart needs for healing....
