A Year in Review

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,

    And a time to die....

....A time to weep,

    And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn,

    And a time to dance;

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

Some of you may have already read my previous post about how long it has been since I have last written and why.  You may also know that my time has been freed up to write because of my inability to work right now due to a neck injury. If not, and you are interested you can read more about that here.

What I did not share with you last time was an adorable conversation I had with my youngest son when he saw my blog for the very first time that day.  He was totally amazed by my blog as only a nine year old boy who is still in the "I totally adore my mom" phase can be.  He was so enthusiastic about it that he said "mom you should write a book!"  Of course I could only laugh and hug him. Oh how innocent children can be and filled with such a sense of anything is possible.  If only we adults were still filled with such awe, wonder, and possibility as they can be.

Super cute picture of my little guy trying on some rec specs for when he plays his sports

This one is from one of our Mom & Son dates!

Isn't he just the cutest!  Well I think so, as all mom's should adore their children!  At least I have always thought all of my children whether by birth, marriage, or other circumstances are absolutely the most precious and loved beings ever!  Oh how great is a mother's love for her children!

This is my favorite picture of our children from Christmas 2014. You may not see all of their faces because they are laughing, but I just love how they love being together and it is never often enough anymore that we are all together.

Oh, and as much as I love and adore our children I all the more love and adore this handsome man:

Christmas 2014 at the Anderson's

I just don't know of a more caring and generous man who gives of himself as much as he does!  I am truly one blessed wife and mother!

But I digress, I guess I just couldn't help but brag on my family a little! Let's get back to why I was writing.  Now what was I going to tell you?  Oh yes! I was telling you of this conversation I was having with my son as I was staring at the screen of my computer that had my blog up on it.  He not only said all those nice compliments, he also told me I should write about my neck injury, and his sisters pregnancy etc... His enthusiasm was just bubbling over. How can one not smile and catch the enthusiasm?!  So for today I am going to honor this precious boys requests.

But before I do let me say that my intent in writing about the past year or so is not to gain sympathy nor am I wanting to come across as being a whiner or complainer.  After all life has been so good in many many ways for us, but like many others of you we have had our fair share of trials and losses.  I write to show that in all of it, the good and the hard God is good!  He provides for every real need and there is always an overflowing amount of grace in everything! That is if we have eyes to see and look for it and hearts that are open to embrace it!  Our life recently has been filled both with some of the most joyous moments and some of the most painful ones as well.

How do I even start to share...

A happy time for us in 2014 was when Jeff and I were able to finally take three of our six kids to Florida and Disney land.  It was something we longed to do for many years, but never could justify it. Finally we said, we have only three left in the house and for two of them it was their last year probably with us since they were seniors in High School.  So we used our tax return money and drove out to Florida.  What a joy it was to see the children's faces as they saw the ocean for the very first time.

We were all a little water logged at Disney Land from it raining most of the day, but it meant for less crowds 

and shorter lines for the rides.

The youngest photo bombing! Ha ha ha

The beach was definitely the highlight for the children and so that is where we spent most of our time!

View of the sunset from our room

I loved the water the most too! 

I am convinced that I would be most happiest if I could live in a little cottage on a beach for the rest of my life!  How I love and am energized by the warm sun and water! I even ran along the beach and it was my most special and favorite time of running ever.  It would be easy to think all is well in the world in such a beautiful place, but for us reality hit hard while we were there.  We found out that Emily's dad who had been battling cancer for a long time had an infection again and went back in the hospital. Emily is the one on the right in the picture above with the three kids in it.  It was so hard to tell her that her dad was in the hospital when we were in the middle of vacation!  But her step mom assured us that her dad was stable and fine.  We cried, we prayed, and we finished out our time in Florida making the long drive home.

Once home Emily spent every free moment in the hospital with her dad.  As well as her two older brothers, Marques & Tyler and the rest of the Koller family!

This picture cuts me to the core, makes my heart wrench in pain, and brings hot tears to my eyes every single time I see it!
This is our Emily while visiting her dad in the hospital

While my ex-husband Chris was in the hospital we had Dana's shower!  While Chris's wife Staci & his mom stayed by Chris's side and we silently hoped and prayed for healing for him with them, the rest of us celebrated Dana and her soon to be joining our families!

Chris's mom Shirly

Dana's mom Sherrye, Dana, and myself

Dana's oldest sister Jennifer, Dana, & her twin sister Dawn

Grandmas Leslie & Anderson, Myself and best friend Karina

The Koller family: Heather, Barb Housner, Emily, Christina, Shannon, Nikki, Samantha & little Maggs!

So in the midst of Chris being sick in the hospital we celebrated and held on tight to hope!  We hoped and prayed that he would once again rally and make it to be there for some of the most momentous moments of our children's lives.  But our Father in heaven had other plans for him and a few days later the cancer took over his body. It did not win though! Chris trusted Jesus's free gift of grace and forgiveness and was received into the arms of his savior.  He now lives healed and whole! He now is a part of the great cloud of witnesses and I like to think that he is one with them looking down at his loved ones encouraging them to press on in Christ!

My children know to much about sickness, cancer, hospital rooms, and longing for hope.  They have watched as their father faded away seeing him suffer, hallucinate, cry out in agony, and they were all there on April 7th, 2014 when he took his last breath and his soul left into the loving arms of Jesus who was waiting to take Him home.  Finally Chris was at peace with no more pain and no more suffering.  My children while knowing that in their hearts still hurt hard because they no loner had their father here with them.  He would not make it to Emily's High School graduation, or hear about Tyler's graduating with an associates degree in firefighting, or be there for Marques and Dana's wedding in June.  So the grieving was felt so much harder as they knew he fought so hard to make it to see those days.  And God carried them through, us through, grace was there in the midst of it, so they grieved, the Koller family grieved, I grieved in the dark hours alone for them, we all grieved as we realized that we will no longer have his presence with us here until we meet up again with him in heaven.  

And so they/we mourned and in the midst of the mourning there was celebrating to be had!  The question that was in the back of everyone's mind was just how do we do that?  How do we go on and celebrate in the midst of loss and pain.  The only answer to that, was that by the grace of God and with his empowering we simply choose to do so! To fight for it! 

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,

    And a time to die....

....A time to weep,

    And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn,

    And a time to dance;

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

For the Koller's and those who love them intimately know the truth in those verses above all to well. I must not forget to say that not only did the Koller's say goodbye to Chris in April, but his death was not the only one they were grieving.  They were still mourning the loss of his sister Mari who had passed away from lung cancer fairly recently at the end of the summer 2013.    For them rejoicing and mourning was a tangled messiness...

Shortly before Chris's death there were reasons to celebrate!  There was the birth of another Koller- sweet little Maggs to his niece Samantha and Dana's wedding shower. Then soon after Chris's death there were more celebrations. There were three graduations and a wedding.  Tears of joy intimately entwined with tears of sorrow, anger and loss.  

We went on as life does and must and we celebrated two High School graduations for two beautiful step sisters that were only six days apart in age. First was Sarah's at the end of May. She is the oldest who will never let Emily forget, ha ha ha.

Next graduation was Emily's, a daddies girl whose father would not be there, but we believe that he was up there in heaven feeling as proud as can be with a huge grin on his face! ...and again grace carried us through...while the tears fell in the dark hours, joy radiated on faces...

Sarah & Emily - sisters not by blood, but bonded by the heart!

Emily & Zach

Through the sorrow and loss everyone chose to rejoice as we celebrated the wedding of Marques and Dana.  The day was another one of hot messy tears of joy and sorrow all meshed and intermingled together and through it all was God's grace carrying us through!

Jeff & I, with Dana & Marques

Our children: Tyler, Nikki, Dana & Marques, Sarah, Emily, & Zach

Niece Heather (who has been like a daughter to us) & Chris's mom 

My eldest son Marques & his beautiful bride Dana

What a gorgeous day we had to celebrate their marriage!  The weather was perfect!  The wedding was beautiful and though Chris was in the back of all our minds and Marques and Dana honored him in their ceremony we all had a lot of fun.  We celebrated their union!  What a joy it is to me to have another daughter in the family to love and one whom I know has been so good to and for my son!

After all the celebrations my second born son Tyler quietly announced that he graduated with an associates in firefighting.  So after we all chided him for not sharing this big news with us sooner we all hugged and congratulated him.  Again we rejoice and yet the fresh loss of one is felt as we can't help but think of how proud he'd be, how proud he is of his son! And the grace rolls over us as the tears fall from our eyes...

God is so good! So gracious in the good and hard times!  Sometimes those times are intimately entwined as they have been for us!  Whether we know it or feel it, He does and can carry us through! He is the one who when we call out to Him comforts us in the dark hours and if we let Him takes the anger & the hurt from us. He is always there, He picks us up off the floor, and keeps us going! He enables us to rejoice when our hearts are breaking and He fills our dark hearts with hope!

But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who 

have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if 

we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with 

Him those who sleep in Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-15

 Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will

never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.

O death, where is your victory?

    O death, where is your sting?”

For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its 

power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death 

through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 15:54-57

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,

    And a time to die....

....A time to weep,

    And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn,

    And a time to dance;

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

To be continued....

His Timing is Perfect!!!!

Today's post is for all you moms and soon to be moms out there.    It seems to me that there is nothing else that is more humbling, character refining/sanctifying, exhausting, draining, frustrating, mentally challenging, physically challenging, tear filled, and heart wrenching as parenting.  Yes, there are times when there is great reward in being a mom!!!  Like when you gaze into the fixed gaze of your infants eyes, or watch your baby peacefully sleep.  Or when your preschooler sings songs about how much they love you!  Or they wrap their little or big arms around you and say thanks mom!  When they do what you told them to do, and when they make you feel proud.  But those moments are not the whole story are they...in the day to day thick of it I have often found myself exasperated as a parent.

Over the years I have read many parenting books and each time I had come a way with a new sense of how far I myself and my children fell short.  I then would come under a great sense of condemnation and shame.  Trying to regroup I'd gather up my skirts so to speak and determine to do better as a parent.  The funny thing is that what that determination produced in me was not being a better parent and having better kiddo's but a more angrier, frustrated parent who was desperately trying to get her kiddo's to perform as they ought.  When they would not conform to my ideals of how a child ought to behave or perform I would become angrier.  Then my children too would become angrier and we became stuck in a vicious cycle that we all desperately wanted out.  The problem was I had no idea how to get out of it.  

Then one day in the midst of this vicious cycle the Lord spoke to my heart:  "The problem here is you!  You have unrealistic expectations of both you and your children.  If you would just stop, pray and ask me what is needed I will show you."  So began a slow journey of change in my heart and in my parenting.  My home became less contentious and I was more at peace!  I was beginning to appropriate grace into my parenting and point my kiddo's to their need of a Savior when they disobeyed.  I look back with sadness as I admit to you that with each kiddo I grew a little more in my understanding of what that looked like.  So that my first born there was little to none taught and modeled to him, to my second born a little bit more, my third a tiny more, my step daughters (when we became family) a tiny bit more, and to the last a bit more.  This makes me sad because of course I wish I would have known what I know now with my first born!!!  I can't however go back and change things, I can only seek forgiveness and move forward.

One of the first books that influenced me as I sought to appropriate grace in my parenting more was Shepherding a Child's Heart.  I highly recommend this book to you mom's who are out there in the thick of it.

I have a long way to go yet and though I have been parenting for 25 years I still have much to learn.  Recently, the Lord has convicted me that I have wrongly conveyed and taught my children a legalistic view of life.  Oh, I don't mean intentionally I did this.  Heavens no!  This was completely unintentional and the realization took me by surprise!!!  My first inclinations came to me when I realized I never told my children the "why" we "do" or "don't do" certain things I just demanded they conform.   Then the realization of my error really began to dawn on me this Christmas.  My husband Jeff and I and four of our children were visiting with family at my husbands parents house.  Our youngest son who is 5 was playing with his cousin who had taken a toy or something like that (memory is a bit fuzzy here).  My husband was trying to get my son to forgive his cousin.  This 5 year old boy of mine was protesting with great frustration that he could not!  He just was not feeling it!!!  My husband persisted and so did my son!  As I watched my husband and little boy for the first time instead of feeling angry or incensed that he would not apologize I began to understand.  It began to dawn on me that he could not because his heart was hard!  He was a sinner who needed His Savior to transform his heart so that he could forgive.  His dad did what I would have done before this new revelation had begun to take root in my mind and heart, he sent him into isolation until he could say he could forgive.  With this new revelation I went to my son and I gently said  "Zachary, you know what?  You are right!  You cannot forgive your cousin on your own, you need Jesus to help you!"  We then prayed together that Jesus would forgive Zachary for his lack of forgiveness and help him to be able to forgive.  Later on that night my son was able to forgive his cousin.

Wow!  I thought, how come I never knew this before!  How come I missed this!  I was taking Christianity and making it into a bunch of rules that my children needed to follow, but that is not what it is about at all is it?!  How can it be that we moms and dads know that we are sinners who need a savior to set us free from our sin and that He alone can empower us to overcome sin, but then we make or insist that our children obey our rules in their own strength?  We expect obedience and demand it from then!  What is the result do you think?  Well, most likely we will either end up with Pharisees (law keepers whose hearts are proud because they keep all the rules and so, are far from God) or Prodigals (law breakers...hearts overwhelmed and hardened by all the rules and so rebel).  Of course I do not discount the grace of God!!!  His grace can reach through all of our failures as parents to the heart of the child no matter how bad or good (it's never good enough) we parented!!!

So where does that leave me?  Prostrate on the floor before my Savior repentant for my sin!  Seeking forgiveness from my children for conveying the wrong message of the cross to them!!!  And starting fresh with this new revelation that God so graciously allowed me to learn now!  Every day is a new day and in His grace I begin a new!  I need grace just like my kiddo's...I need it so I can parent as I ought and I need it when I don't!  I can then trust that as often as I blow it as a mom is as often as I can go to the Cross again with my sin.  "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:9)

It also means that I as a mom can be proactive and find resources to help me put into action what I have now learned.   What is incredibly mind blowing crazy to me is how perfect God's timing is!!!  Just as I am learning how to parent in a grace filled way He had recently taught the very same thing but with greater depth to two beautiful Christian women Elyse Fitzpatrick and her daughter Jessica Thompson.  They then took what they learned and put it in a book titled Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus.   I have yet to read this book because it just came out, but it is on my wish list!  I highly recommend that whether or not you get the book that you listen to Elyse Fitzpatrick's interview on the Desiring God website here: DG LIVE with Elyse Fitzpatrick  I was startled when Elyse Fitzpatrick in this interview shared a very similar story as mine (shared above) about her daughter learning how to teach about "grace" and the need for it with one of her own children.  Watch and you will see what I mean. 

Oh, and one more thing that is an important reminder for all of us.  No matter how good we parent our children they may still end up prodigals!  And the opposite is true!  No matter how bad we mess up as parents our children may choose to follow Christ!  The Authors of this book clearly state their book is not a how to get your children saved but a how to dazzle them with the love of Jesus!  The rest is the job of the Holy Spirit!!!  Jesus is the Author and finisher of our faith and Lord willing our children's!!!  We mom's are not!!!

What about you? How have you parented?  What has or is God teaching you today?  I'd love to hear your story too!!!  If you get the book and read it then let me know what you think! 

Peace! Be Still!

Jesus Calms the Storm

"Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping.  The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!” 

Matthew 8:23-27 (NIV)

Recently I found myself anxious about the many things in my life that were beyond my control and I felt powerless to stop the incessant  worrying.  My mind kept dwelling on the worst case scenarios, all the "what ifs".  There was no rest for my soul, no peace, and no joy in my heart.  Just a constant sense of impending doom.  I desperately wanted to find comfort in my God, but I could not hear His still small voice above the clatter of my own anxiety ridden thoughts.  Then it happened, it was so sudden like a gale wind that appeared out of nowhere.  His voice broke through to the depths of my heart "Peace!  Be Still!"  Instantly the weight of all my fears and anxiety had been obliterated as I embraced those life giving Words.  As I lingered on those words I felt a spreading warmth sweep over my entire being.  The kind of warmth that happens when you know that you are truly loved, through and through, just as you are.  

How amazing and Humbling it was for me to have Jesus respond in such a gentle, patient, and loving way.  He could have been angry with me and rightfully so for my lack of faith, but instead He remembered that I am just dust.  He was not surprised by my thoughts or my giving into my fears since He knows them all already and yet He loves me anyways.

Dear Sisters, Jesus wants to calm the storm raging in your hearts today too!  Can you hear His still small voice echoing in the inner chambers of your mind "Peace! Be Still!"?  Those Words are not just for me, but for you too!  Stop for a moment from what you are doing and reflect on the One who has the power to calm the fiercest storms even those that rage in our own minds. 

John 14:27 (Amplified Bible)

"Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.]"
   

Lessons Learned in the Fire

It's hard for me to watch someone I love in a lot of pain.  I'm not referring to physical pain (though that's hard too), but emotional pain.  I'm the kind of person who would do anything I could to help ease anothers pain, especially if that person is someone I love.   One of the hardest lessons I'm learning is that though I can try and comfort someone with the same comfort I have received through personal suffering it won't help them if they refuse it.  If I can not remove their pain, and they refuse to hear and receive my attempts to comfort them then what am I to do?

I find myself in this helpless place right now and these are some of the lessons I'm learning which are not in any particular order (many of these have been passed onto me by others and some I'm learning at deeper and deeper levels):

First: I'm not anyone's Savior, my job is to simply point them to Jesus.    The first time I herd this statement it hit me like a ton of bricks across my forehead.  Duh!  Yes, of course!  What freedom and peace there is when I remind myself that Jesus is the only one who can heal the deep hurts within each of us.  "I, even I, am the LORD, And besides Me there is no savior" Isaiah 43:10-12.

Second:  "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."  In other words I can point them to Christ, point out or remind them of there need for Him (even as a believer), and tell of His great love and the peace found in Him.  But no matter how hard I try I can't make them believe or receive the hope found in Him alone.

Thirdly:  I can pray for them.  Often I tend to feel like prayer is somehow second best, after all I should be doing something shouldn't I?  So when I've exhausted all my own resources and I'm left with nothing but prayer I can sometimes feel as if though I've given up and I'm not really doing anything.  When the truth of the matter is that prayer is essential, since we can do nothing on our own apart from God.   Another struggle I find I have in prayer for others is that of discouragement.  Especially when I've prayed hard and for a long time and still have not seen any answers.  When that happens I am tempted to think why even bother.   That's when I cling to scriptures like these: 2 Corinthians 5:7 "For we live by faith not by sight"  and Galatians 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."   

Fourth:  I must not trust my own feelings and emotions.  The only trustworthy source is God's Word and the truths found within.  My emotions lead me all over the place in my thoughts and none of it is healthy.  If I were to let my emotions get the best of me I would crawl into bed and never get out.  Therefore I must not act on my emotions, or for that matter think on what they are saying to me (dwelling on them feeds them).  Instead I need to run to God's Word immersing myself in the comfort and truths found there.

Fifth:  When in the midst of a trial I need to seek comfort within scripture by immersing myself in it and reminding myself of the truths of the gospel and God's sacrificial love for me.  That His love is constant, He is in control, He is trustworthy, and that He will carry me through everything He has allowed me to face.  Not only will He carry me through He will also work it out for my good.

Sixth:  That no one can steal my joy unless I let them.  This one I find I have to remind myself over and over again since my first reaction to others ongoing pain and bitterness is my joy quickly disappears and is replaced with discouragement and fear.  But I don't have to stay there.  When I remind myself that they cannot steal my joy, that is the first step needed in remaining joyful despite of others.  The reason I (and you too) can have joy despite the attitudes and actions of those around me is that Joy is not like happiness.  Happiness is conditional, it is based on circumstances or how people make us feel.  Joy on the other hand can dwell within a person despite circumstances and others.  I'm not saying that I'm not sad when facing trials, what I am saying is that despite the pain and sadness I feel there remains a deep abiding joy based on the hope I have in Jesus.  “These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full."  John 15:11

Seventh:  I must surrender my loved ones to Christ.  I can't keep holding onto them with one hand while trying to give them to Christ with the other.  I must completely release them with both hands to Him, and not take them back. As often as I find myself worrying and anxious about them I need to hand them over again.   After all He loves my loved ones far more then me and His love is not like mine, since mine can at times be conditional and self serving.  While His love is never conditional, it's sacrificial, and it is always concerned about what is best for the other.

Eighth:  The value and benefit of gratitude.  No matter how difficult or painful things may be or seem I always have plenty of reasons to give thanks to God.  Even if the only thing I can come up with is thanking Him for my salvation.  That when I practice being thankful even for those people who cause me pain, or difficult circumstances I find that my attitude changes toward them too.  When I'm tempted to complain and to be bitter the best solution is for me to practice gratitude.

Ninth:  Listen to and sing praise music!  No matter how downcast I feel when I stretch my arms up high singing praises to Jesus soon I feel my spirit lifting too.  I know of nothing that does a better job of correcting my wrong depressed thinking along with renewing and strengthening my faith.

Perhaps you are going through a trial today too.  Yours may not be the same as mine, in fact maybe you are like my loved one who is suffering deep emotional wounds.  Perhaps God has brought you here to read this because He has some things for you to learn within your trial.  Or maybe God has taught you something else that was not on my list.  If so and either way I'd love to hear what God is doing in your life. 

Lord, Thank-you for your unfathomable love, for your abundant grace, and your patience with me and my sisters in Christ.  Thank-you also for your great wisdom in perfectly knowing what trials you would need to allow in order that I and they might participate in and better comprehend Jesus suffering.  Thank-you also for protecting us from those trials that would crush us.  Lord, help me and my sisters in Christ to completely trust you with our lives.  To allow you access to every part of who we are, and to be willing to be transparent with one another.  Help us Lord, to remember that we are nothing apart from you, and the only good we do is because of you working in us.  Lord, I cannot comprehend why You who were without sin would come down from heaven to suffer obscene insults, rejection from your children and bride, barbaric physical abuse, and the Father turning His back on you and pouring out His wrath on you all for me, for us?!?!  You took the punishment we deserved!  And why?  Not because we are worthy, but simply because of your love!  What love is this?  I cannot comprehend it and I am overwhelmed as I recall it!  Jesus, thank-you for your grace, for your love, and for your sacrifice!!!

"But those that hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:30-31

Got the Morning Blues?

My sister-in-law shared this blog by Justin Taylor on her fb page (Thank-you Sis!).  I found that I could not resist clicking on it to read it.  I'm so glad I didn't!!!  The Author Taylor so simply and succinctly shares 6 simple truths form God's Word to remind yourself of when you wake up in the morning or anytime of day.  This week in the wake of a great tragedy, I really needed to be reminded of these truths!  For when you really reflect on these six truths you will find your perspective changed and your day will be lighter!

Got the Morning Blues? If you do, no matter what time of day it is be sure to click on this link highlighted in red.

Life is hard but God is good, good all the time!!! Blessings, my dear sisters!

HOPE in the Midst of Tragedy

In the wake of the tragic death of a young woman who've I've known since she was a young girl, I look to the one thing that consoles my heart.  That one day when I see Christ face to face all the pain, sorrow, and evil of this world will be a dim memory.  It all will pale in comparison to being in the presence of Jesus for all of eternity!  Today I grieve, grieve over the tragedy of her death and for the family that's left behind.  But though I grieve I have an eternal hope too!  The image of this young woman that keeps flooding my mind is from when she was just a young girl with freckles and a bright but somewhat shy smile.  I can't help but think that is how she looks now as she dances before Jesus.

There Will Be A Day

Jeremy Camp

from the album Speaking Louder Than Before

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that trys to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

(Chorus)
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

(Chorus)

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing

Hillsong - Mighty to Save - With Subtitles/Lyrics

Do You Want to Say “No” to Jesus’ Touch? | CCEF

Do You Want to Say “No” to Jesus’ Touch? | CCEF

This blog post by Winston Smith, a biblical counselor and faculty member of CCEF so aptly shows how shame and pride causes us to want to hide even from Christ. And it challenges us to consider the fact that we cannot clean ourselves and must allow Christ to do it for us. The first step being acknowledging just how filthy we have become.

I couldn't help but cringe as I read the story Smith shared in his post. My face contorting at the shame and misery the man must have felt. Along with the anguish Smith was feeling as he came upon the gentleman lying helplessly there. I could feel the mixed emotions both men were experiencing, both knowing what must be done. Both realizing it was a filthy stinking mess that could not get cleaned up on it's own. The one trying to maintain the personal dignity of the other, and wanting to remove the shame. The helplessness of Smith to completely remove that shame the other was feeling. The two men changing the subject and talking about anything else (I must admit made me chuckle a bit, in a knowing way).

I could relate to this article since at times I have felt as though my sin was as awful as that filthy mess, being afraid to go to the Father with it. And yet, as Smith so clearly points out in this article the only way to remove the shame is to allow Jesus to clean me thoroughly.

Check out the post yourself and let me know what you think!

Inexhaustable Grace

The old familiar feeling is overwhelming me in the pain,

          threatening to utterly engulf me once again.

Why is there a delectableness in the bitterness,

          that causes me to immerse myself within it's ugly clutches?

I wallow here as I am pulled along,

         it's sweet taste transposed to rancid dung.

It courses through my veins,

        at every encounter causing pain.

Inward I have flown,

         I feel so alone.

To my knees I plummet,

        open hands raised high heaped with the pain and needs unmet.

Turning my expectant eyes upward I look Jesus fully in His glorious face,

         As I place my hope in His redeeming grace.

His compassionate eyes meet mine as here I linger,

       "I've been waiting for you " He gently whispers.

Then my soul is overcome with His inexhaustible grace,

       His love coursing through my veins emanating through my face.

Praise to Him who alone satisfies every longing heart,

       surrender is our part.

In the crucible of His fiery test,

       victory is assured for those who in Him find rest.